dans les nuages

With Joesph Kim’s prodding, I’ve returned to the world of tumblr (hopefully more consistently than I’ve done in the past year…) 

It’s amazing how much one can change in just a few months. As the task of documenting my changes became more daunting, it became even harder to return to my tumblr to do so. It’s funny how I can procrastinate with anything, even with things that are so personal. As we speak, I’m procrastinating from studying for my Psych final tomorrow :) 

This summer, I started working for a dermatologist and it’s been one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had in college. My dermatologist is a NCSSM and UNC Med grad, and she’s this amazing woman who is one of the most inspirational women I’ve personally met. When she sees a patient, it is so evident that the patient is her only focus. Once she leaves the room, she walks as quickly as possible (quick as a bunny, as she’d say) to the next patient. She remembers patient’s family histories, like how a patient’s daughter got married around six months ago or how they went to Europe over the summer. She also makes her own curtains and is an amazing chef. As I learn in my courses that physicians rarely give patients the time they deserve and patients often feel marginalized as a result, I’ve begun to feel that this is just a vicious cycle. The hospital system is so ingrained in tradition that spending more time with a patient is quickly becoming unfeasible. My dermatologist has inspired me to believe that changes within the healthcare system can happen.

In the summer, I was also working in my lab, and I realized that there’s almost no way I could do it for my gap year. I’ve also learned how poor the economy is. Finding a job is so. hard. I thought I might enjoy doing healthcare consulting, and I interviewed in Wisconsin with a healthcare technology company and I hated it. I felt everyone who worked there was jaded. I loved what the company stands for, but I didn’t get the feeling that employees actually believed in the same core values. I also missed my connecting flight to RDU and had to spend the night in Michigan. By night, I mean four hours of sleep and back to the airport. My interview and travel experiences combined led me to realize that I would hate the lifestyle consultants live. 

Being an RA this year is much harder than it was last year. Don’t get me wrong, most of my residents are really nice and friendly, but there are also a few who make my job as an RA much more difficult and a thousand times more stressful. 

This semester, I took a Medical Anthropology class. I loved it. I loved how it made me think in different ways and through different lenses. You know how professors say that a course will make you see things differently, but really at the end of the course, you aren’t dramatically changed? This class was different. It only took me 5.5 hours to write a 10 page final paper for the class, and it still got an A. It was one of the few classes when I was excited to read the readings and go to lectures, even if it was my only class on Fridays and on East campus. This class makes me want to get an MD but also have more background in medical anthropology so that I could actually apply it to how I treat future patients.

For many reasons, this semester was one of the busiest semesters I’ve had at Duke. I worked in my lab, in clinic, as an RA and took five classes, one of them being an eight hour lab. I think I’ve finally mastered the art of managing my time, possibly six semesters late, but at least I learned it, right?

Where am I now?

I’m ready to be done with this semester… as soon as I take my exam tomorrow. I’m still looking for something to do for a year (please not bench research!). I’m ready for a few weeks in Michigan before I finish college. I’m really excited for next semester’s courses (four day weekends <3). I’m worried about applying to med schools in a few months. Deathly afraid of the future. 

• food
• my experiment finally working in lab
• out of a 2.5 hour class 40 minutes early
• out of my 3 hour lab one hour early
• got two free plants from my plant lab (daffodils!) 
• birthday present from terrie came in the maill :) 
• package from forever21 came today

:) 

piggy backing off of Hannah’s post…

1. God’s plan for my future

2. Family’s visit to China

3. Spring Break 2011

4. Entering my 3rd decade of life

5. How busy this semester is..

(this isn’t my planner..)

Response was my first breath of fresh air in a long time. From leading my family group and hearing their stories and their vulnerabilities to washing their feet and having my feet washed to just simply praying and praising with them, Response was a spiritual workout. During the brief three days and two nights, God challenged me to continue growing in faith in Him, showing me things I did not expect and revealing to me more about myself and my trust in Him. I think I’ve become slowly jaded to the power and grace of God, and Response was the kind of wake-up call I needed; it was a clear demonstration of how much God loves each and everyone of us, and it was also a reminder that nothing is beyond God’s reach.

The famed emergency room… filled with supposed hustle and bustle and renowned for the inevitable hours of waiting to actually see your physician. One of my residents busted his lip tonight, and I went with him and one of my other residents to the ER. The nurses made fleeting impressions, and the medical student, resident, and attending made lasting impressions. We first met the resident, a Dr. Nick L, soon followed by the attending Dr. B. Dr. B was quick and confident but not very reassuring. As I gain more interactions with the realm of medicine, I’ve realized that the attendings have some sort of complex that makes them more aloof and put on a pedestal above other doctors and patients. Dr. B failed to develop much of a relationship with any of us, and she worked mainly to solve the problem. While we weren’t uneasy, I didn’t feel a complete sense of trust and respect that I expect to feel from the physicians who treat me. Dr. L, the resident, tried to relate to us, but because he is a full fledged doctor who’s just begun his training to be able to actually treat anyone, he also has a complex where he’s set apart from his patients. While I do agree that a barrier must exist between doctors and patients, I don’t think that this barrier should be so obvious and inflexible. Dr. L was putting my resident’s lip under anesthesia, and honestly, it was possibly the most painful thing I’ve ever seen. He poked my resident multiple times, causing more bleeding than was actually occurring in his mouth. I was tempted many times to ask the resident to stop and have the attending treat my resident, but I also know that each resident starts out at some place and improves from there on out. Finally, we meet a medical student. I saw his badge before I saw him, and I automatically assumed that the medical student would be bumbling and shy. Instead, it turns out that Dr. Tim R (med student) is a genius MD/PhD student at Duke and graduated from TJ. Surprisingly, he was the one who checked up with my resident to see if the anesthesia was still having the desired effect. He asked us if we needed anything, and he also related to us on a much more intimate level. Perhaps being in medical school demeans you and allows you to relate to the patients, who are supposed to be the highest on the ladder but instead, are often treated as if we know nothing and care about nothing. Anyway, it surprised me the most that the best care we received today wasn’t from real physicians, but instead from a physician in training.

Over these years, I’ve started to realize that I’m not naturally a curious person. I accept what I’m told without much consideration, and I don’t evaluate what I’m told as much as I should. I think this really contributes to my gullibility because I accept easily and trust easily.

Today in my Lit class, my professor gave us a hypothetical situation. If a medical resident asked you to come and feel a patient’s uterus/ovaries while the patient’s anesthetized because you could feel it more easily when the patient’s relaxed than when the patient’s awake, would you do it? 

Quite honestly, I would. It’s experience, and it does not harm to the patient. But then, we talked about patient consent and different situations, and then we read a short story about a girl who induced an abortion. She poured potassium permanganate onto her uterus, essentially burning her vagina. The emergency room doctor didn’t even look at her and passed her off to gynecology. The gynecology resident looked at her, called her a bitch, and then told the intern to feel her uterus because she was still pregnant and it would be an opportunity for the medical student to finally feel what a pregnant uterus feels like. The student didn’t touch the patient, apologized, and left. In this scenario, it’s painfully obvious that this is not only inappropriate but also violates the patient on so many levels. 

The importance of patient consent, even if it’s for something that wouldn’t affect the patient and would improve you as a doctor, has become much more obvious to me after today.